When it's a beautiful Sunday afternoon, but you've got some Feats of Meat testing to do, whatever do you do? Move the test kitchen to the beach!

A while back, we showed you the hamburger using grilled cheeses as the buns (affectionately dubbed the "Fatty Melt" by its creator). A splendid and delicious looking idea indeed, but we decided we could do better:



That, my friends, is a burger with two grilled ham, tomato, and cheeses for the buns. God yes.



As you can see, we made this monstrosity on the grill on the beach. This, in my mind, should quiet you naysayers who are whining right now about how it's not pretty enough. First of all, this is a thing of beauty:





We cooked the sandwiches first separately over the grill, then the burgers, and then assembled them and grilled them a bit longer. You know, to let the flavors marry.



Note that our version is so badass, that we had to use two full hamburger patties just counteract the awesomeness of the sandwiches:



And finally, Emily will demonstrate for you the proper way to consume our creation:



Please do not try to eat one of these with out an entire chicken in your other hand.

I'm going to go ahead and call this one a success. I don't think I could ever go back to eating a boring ol' burger with boring ol' regular grilled cheeses cooked in a regular ol' skillet ever again. Yes, it's true that others have improved upon the original as well:



Which looks delicious. I'd even be willing to call it a tie, if not for our far superior backdrop:



WIN!

I think we can certainly deem this creation to be Feats of Meat Recommended. Just be sure to make it with about 14 other friends around to help you eat it.

A few months ago, Lauren Lauren married one of our groupies, The Aristocrat. The wedding and reception were beautiful, and unbelievably fun. The requisite open bar offered the guests a veritable cornucopia of beverage options. However, as we are known to do, we lamented the lack of meat drinks on the menu, and on earth in general. We are, if nothing else, ungrateful sonsofbitches.

Luckily our cries were heard by Low Red Land drummer and bartender extraordinaire Mark Devito. He was not going to stand back and let us leave the wedding with even the slightest tinge of disappointment. So he concocted what I think we can immediately deem the most delicious and beautiful meat drink the world has ever seen:

THE STEAKTINI!

The Steaktini consists of vodka, steak, and a dash of pepper shaken over ice, strained, and served with a steak garnish. I'm pretty sure someone tasted it, although the author is ashamed to report that he did not.

Sadly, I'm not sure this photo made it into the wedding album. For some reason the focus of the evening seemed to be elsewhere!

Also, and I'd say this is a feat unto itself, this is quite possibly the grossest photo ever to grace the pages of Feats of Meat.

I debated whether or not to post on the Luther Burger here on Feats of Meat. Technically, the feat of the Luther Burger is in the meat surroundings, not in the meat itself. However since it is most definitely a feat, and meat is involved, and I make the rules, we're going to talk about the Luther Burger.

Legend (wikipedia) has it that the Luther Burger was invented when our hero Luther Vandross ordered a bacon cheeseburger at a Georgia restaurant. The waiter/cook explained sadly that they were out of buns. Luther, being the enterprising sort, brilliantly suggested that they just put the burger between donuts instead! They did, Mr. Vandross found it delicious, and the Luther Burger was born.

This brings us to yet another Feats of Meat hero: Mrs. Paula Dean. Paula Dean is very good at making things better (see her deep fried bacon wrapped mac and cheese). Paula saw a way to improve on the Luther Burger the only way that she knows how, by adding an egg!



Paula dubbed her new and improved creation "The Lady's Brunch Burger." Perfect.

And that's where the Feats of Meat test kitchen came in. We aimed not to improve on the Luther/Lady's Brunch Burger, only to duplicate it. Some things cannot be improved upon without risking death and dismemberment.

Our results were surprisingly positive. Much like the chicken fried bacon, the burger tasted great, but VERY guiltily so. Our Feats of Meat nutrition team researched and found that replacing a bun with a donut does not in fact add all that much calorie/bad stuff wise to a burger. This did not allow us to feel better about ourselves.

One thing the donut did add to the bacon egg cheeseburger was a nice hint of caramelized sweetness, much like getting some syrup on your bacon in the morning. In short, using donuts for hamburger buns is delicious. However, like most things we attempt here in the Feats of Meat test kitchen, not likely to be repeated. We want to live to conduct more experiments.

One thing I will note is that if (when) you try this, slice the donuts in half and grill the insides (non glazed sides) on the grill. Assemble the burger with the grilled sides out. This will make them much easier to handle, and also give you more delicious caramelized glaze.

Sadly, once again, all of our Feats of Meat tasters were too busy enjoying the fruits of our labor to take any photos (applications are being accepted for Feats of Meat documentarian). All we have to show for this one is this sad picture of a leftover Luther Burger, minus the delicious bacon and egg.



Rest assured that this one was the anomaly, and all the other burgers contained all the fixings (and looked as good as Paula's, I must say). We promise to be better about this sort of thing so you don't have to keep taking our word for it.

I'm guessing that most of you fan o' feats o' meat are familiar with the Instructables Bacon Placemat. Pure genius, yes. But we here at the Feats of Meat Test Kitchen had no need for a placemat (we're extremely neat eaters), but we did need a salad bowl. So we decided to adapt the Instructables methodology slightly and make ourselves a BACON BOWL. Here's what we did:

We started by delicately weaving our bacon into as large of a square as possible. Weaving with bacon is as fun as it looks.

As you can see from the beautifully intricate weave, we were not, as they say, "fucking around." We put the bacon weave in the oven and cooked it for approximately "forever."

After pulling it out of the oven, we molded the weave over an oven safe bowl. After cooling, the bacon was deemed not crispy enough, so we finished it in the microwave. I think this helped to hold the weave and bowl form, and this accidental step will be included the next time we bacon bowl.

Once the bacon cooled, we had ourselves a beautiful and surprisingly sturdy bacon bowl. So sturdy, in fact, that it could hold an entire SALAD!

And there, ladies and gentlemen, you have the healthiest thing you'll ever see on Feats of Meat.

We need to go bigger. The next step in the bacon bowl realm will be to attempt a circular construction. Maybe YOU want to try it? If you're too afraid, you can just wait and see how ours turns out. Meanwhile you can continue to serve your salads and omelettes in boring old non-edible bowls. I guess..

Pop quiz hot shot. It's Sysop's birthday. Sysop is quite particular about his birthday cakes, and his desserts in general. Last year he stormed out crying because his cake was not "just so." He has been known to burn cake shops to the ground just because they offered cakes with green icing.

WHAT
DO
YOU
DO?

Umm, I think it's obvious:

MEAT CAKE!!!!!

Note the bacon sprinkles. YES.

Detailed instructions are available all over the internet, so I'll just provide you with a few choice photos:
That's 9 pounds of meat loaf my friends


That's an ASS ton of mashed potatoes and some delicately carved meat loaf decorations, compadres.


Oh, I'm sorry. Did I not mention the meat pie? Well, we had meat pie too. With disturbingly red mashed potato icing, guy.

You're going to want to try this for yourself. Trust me when I tell you that nothing will give you more joy than filling a piping bag full of mashed potatoes. Trust me.